"What's it like to be a twin?" I heard it all the time growing up and I always had the same response - "I don't know. I've never been anything else." And it was true. Being a twin was so much a part of me, it was impossible for me to look at it objectively. As I've grown, I've nurtured a 'witness' stance, allowing me to see myself, and my life, from a gentle distance. Some of the things I've noticed during this process of individuation have a lot to do with "remembering Who I really am.
My twin sister, Kath, and I were connected, and this sense of connection was very real to both of us. We often knew what the other was thinking, could finish each other's sentences, and couldn't stand to be disloyal to each other or see the other hurt. Ironically, we were born into a family that encouraged competition as the means of establishing one's position and value. There were seven children, the first six born within six years, and you can believe the competition for attention and identity was intense.
Along with that, Kathryn and I were subject to ongoing, personal scrutiny as people often approached us to evaluate our personalities and features in order to "tell us apart". The experience of being compared to her to determine who was "smarter" and who was "prettier" was etched into my psyche.
At some level, I realized that if I 'won' in these impromptu competitions it hurt Kath, since the only means she had to feel secure in her identity was to be 'right' in comparison to my 'wrong'. I learned that expressing my uniqueness was a threat to another, and rather than hurt Kathryn, I bowed out of the competition and became silent.
For most of my life, I lived in the pain of denying my Truth. The process of 'remembering my beauty' has been the process of expanding the context of my awareness to be large enough to include both Kathryn and me in our unique beauty.
I couldn't hurt Kath, but, at some point, I couldn't deny myself either, so expanding the context was the only option. This meant stepping back from the obvious, assuming a 'witness' stance, and going into my heart-of-hearts, over and over again, to bring Love, Love big enough for the both of us, to the foreground. It's meant willfully cultivating the intention "Love wins".
The intent to find a place that included Kath and me together, and the consistent practice of attending to the Love I had for my sister, has expanded my awareness. Now I know,there is room enough for all of us to shine. A person doesn't need to judge themself "better" than another in order to experience themself as "good". We are all innately worthy and can experience "Love that includes" within the comfort of our own skin.
It's like Morrie said, "Love wins. Love always wins."